It's been a while since I woke up naturally at 4.30am. It's really boring, there's nothing new on FB, nothing new on Insta, nothing new on Whatsapp. It's like the world around stopped for a moment.
This moment is strangely calming, I could just lie down and stare at the ceiling about life. What do I really want to do in life, which type of girl I would want to spend my life, and where do I want to settle down for my life. In short, the career-relationship-family question that haunts almost everyone my age.
The first I thought was you. It's been a little more than 4 months now. I thought I coped well with the break-up. In fact, I still think I do, but there's this missing part of me that died with the relationship and I feel it reigniting. Over 2 weeks ago, someone told me she saw you with another guy. I didn't take it to heart, you have your freedom to explore new possibilities. Nevertheless, it felt like a weird mix of jealousy and a sense of loss. VivoCity was place of memory, countless KFC days, countless afternoon and night chilling at the rooftop feeling the sea breeze that brush against our face as we lean against each other. Counting down to 2014 while listening to Top 100 hits after a good meal at Marche. A lovely Valentine lunch before SEA aquarium, a cosy dinner after a day at Adventure Cove. Countless times crossing the bridge to Sentosa because we agreed that the monorail is not worth the money. It was also an endpoint of our hiking trail from Kent Ridge Park, and a pit stop to rest after spending a whole day at Sentosa watching people for our changing landscape project. It's a place of ours, shaped by the days and nights that we spent there as one.
There's still so much memories of you around me. Every time I go to YIH, I think of the Starbucks that we spent our first weeks together. Every time I walk pass UTown Green, I think of your 20th birthday, of buying a whole champagne cake just for the two of us. It make me felt like a complete jerk that neglected your 21st. I had many things to juggle, but I shouldn't have let that became a convenient excuse to celebrate your 21st with only a nice dinner. Every time I go to UCC, I think of all the concerts that we have been through together, supporting each other as we juggle the hectic life of academics, dance, and hall. Even going to FoS reminds me of our Tuesday shuijiaomian dates. Not to mention the Town Plaza Seminar Rooms and Central Library, for reasons right and wrong. 14 hours a day with each other at these places really branded the memories into scars that I doubt either of us could ever remove. Heck, my wallet, my bag, my cap, my sweats, and the T-shirts that you bought for me in Thailand. There's still Perro who quietly lay beside me every night, and our Christmas Log that I lean my head on when I play Candy Crush. Even Candy Crush was introduced by you on our first and only night cycling saga. Sometimes I wonder, would we ever get to watch sunrise together ever again?
Unknowingly, our lives were so deeply intertwined that I'm surprise we (yes, at myself too) could untangle them so easily. Maybe we were too engrossed in what went wrong instead of what was right. I was talking to my friend that was in her relationship for 5 years, and I asked: How did you guys manage, especially when you have been studying overseas for the past 2 years? What she said struck me hard, they broke up twice during the LDR, but what they realized is that love is all about the daily interactions, of being comfortable to the extend of being gross with each other. It's not about the intensity of the feeling that brought them together because it won't last for more than 2 years. It's not about what went wrong but how to fix things right. It's not about how patient we are but how accepting we are towards each other flaws. It's also all about how we motivate each other towards what we love to do, and to work on our flaws. We were two stubborn people, incredibly headstrong what it comes to our (im)moral principles. Yet, we felt so right and so comfortable with each other. Honestly, I've had infatuations over the summer, it could well be a rebounding effect. But all it made me realize is how much I still love you, I would never put you back in the same cycle again. I'm willing to be the first to change, and to put my pride/ego down and be shameless to win you back again.
Okay fine, I admit the career-relationship-family question didn't make it past the relationship segment. In fact, I don't have much issues with the other two, my career path is set and I have two plans, one with you and one without. You knew about them (but I'm not sure if you remember), and they haven't change much. My family is fully supportive of my career choices and have no qualms of me working and settling down overseas despite me being the only child. You were the only irrationality of mine, and you still are. I shouldn't have tried over-rationalizing it because we are two imperfect being. Now, you are also the only uncertainty in my career-relationship-family question, and I have never been so risk-loving in my life.
This quiet 4 months have allowed me to really think and reflect a lot, and now I'm sure it's not just clinging on to past memories, but truly wanting to build a future with you. I'm no longer that lazy, self-centred boy, and you are no longer the naive, self-victimizing girl. We still have our flaws but I believe we have both grown stronger as adults now. It's a 33MC semester with hell lot of other commitments, but this time, they will not become excuses for me to be lazy again. Sorry to "ruin" your life, but I'm going to find some ways to break through those cold, hard walls that you have built around your heart.
This moment is strangely calming, I could just lie down and stare at the ceiling about life. What do I really want to do in life, which type of girl I would want to spend my life, and where do I want to settle down for my life. In short, the career-relationship-family question that haunts almost everyone my age.
The first I thought was you. It's been a little more than 4 months now. I thought I coped well with the break-up. In fact, I still think I do, but there's this missing part of me that died with the relationship and I feel it reigniting. Over 2 weeks ago, someone told me she saw you with another guy. I didn't take it to heart, you have your freedom to explore new possibilities. Nevertheless, it felt like a weird mix of jealousy and a sense of loss. VivoCity was place of memory, countless KFC days, countless afternoon and night chilling at the rooftop feeling the sea breeze that brush against our face as we lean against each other. Counting down to 2014 while listening to Top 100 hits after a good meal at Marche. A lovely Valentine lunch before SEA aquarium, a cosy dinner after a day at Adventure Cove. Countless times crossing the bridge to Sentosa because we agreed that the monorail is not worth the money. It was also an endpoint of our hiking trail from Kent Ridge Park, and a pit stop to rest after spending a whole day at Sentosa watching people for our changing landscape project. It's a place of ours, shaped by the days and nights that we spent there as one.
There's still so much memories of you around me. Every time I go to YIH, I think of the Starbucks that we spent our first weeks together. Every time I walk pass UTown Green, I think of your 20th birthday, of buying a whole champagne cake just for the two of us. It make me felt like a complete jerk that neglected your 21st. I had many things to juggle, but I shouldn't have let that became a convenient excuse to celebrate your 21st with only a nice dinner. Every time I go to UCC, I think of all the concerts that we have been through together, supporting each other as we juggle the hectic life of academics, dance, and hall. Even going to FoS reminds me of our Tuesday shuijiaomian dates. Not to mention the Town Plaza Seminar Rooms and Central Library, for reasons right and wrong. 14 hours a day with each other at these places really branded the memories into scars that I doubt either of us could ever remove. Heck, my wallet, my bag, my cap, my sweats, and the T-shirts that you bought for me in Thailand. There's still Perro who quietly lay beside me every night, and our Christmas Log that I lean my head on when I play Candy Crush. Even Candy Crush was introduced by you on our first and only night cycling saga. Sometimes I wonder, would we ever get to watch sunrise together ever again?
Unknowingly, our lives were so deeply intertwined that I'm surprise we (yes, at myself too) could untangle them so easily. Maybe we were too engrossed in what went wrong instead of what was right. I was talking to my friend that was in her relationship for 5 years, and I asked: How did you guys manage, especially when you have been studying overseas for the past 2 years? What she said struck me hard, they broke up twice during the LDR, but what they realized is that love is all about the daily interactions, of being comfortable to the extend of being gross with each other. It's not about the intensity of the feeling that brought them together because it won't last for more than 2 years. It's not about what went wrong but how to fix things right. It's not about how patient we are but how accepting we are towards each other flaws. It's also all about how we motivate each other towards what we love to do, and to work on our flaws. We were two stubborn people, incredibly headstrong what it comes to our (im)moral principles. Yet, we felt so right and so comfortable with each other. Honestly, I've had infatuations over the summer, it could well be a rebounding effect. But all it made me realize is how much I still love you, I would never put you back in the same cycle again. I'm willing to be the first to change, and to put my pride/ego down and be shameless to win you back again.
Okay fine, I admit the career-relationship-family question didn't make it past the relationship segment. In fact, I don't have much issues with the other two, my career path is set and I have two plans, one with you and one without. You knew about them (but I'm not sure if you remember), and they haven't change much. My family is fully supportive of my career choices and have no qualms of me working and settling down overseas despite me being the only child. You were the only irrationality of mine, and you still are. I shouldn't have tried over-rationalizing it because we are two imperfect being. Now, you are also the only uncertainty in my career-relationship-family question, and I have never been so risk-loving in my life.
This quiet 4 months have allowed me to really think and reflect a lot, and now I'm sure it's not just clinging on to past memories, but truly wanting to build a future with you. I'm no longer that lazy, self-centred boy, and you are no longer the naive, self-victimizing girl. We still have our flaws but I believe we have both grown stronger as adults now. It's a 33MC semester with hell lot of other commitments, but this time, they will not become excuses for me to be lazy again. Sorry to "ruin" your life, but I'm going to find some ways to break through those cold, hard walls that you have built around your heart.